Thursday, March 31, 2011

Hierarchy Syndrome.


Alright, so, you know what I said in one of my previous blog posts? About just accepting that my writing isn’t perfect (and let’s be honest, it’s nowhere close) all the while learning and growing and just focusing on improvement? Well, I’ve learned something about that whole kumbayah, c’est la vie mentality.
It’s. Hard.
                I’ve grown up comparing. Most everything I’ve read, I judge on either the fact that a. I could do better than that, b. that’s about my speed, or c. I would kill to have written it.
                It’s not just writing, I compare in all aspects of life, i.e. social rank, intelligence, beauty, friendliness.
                I was at confession this past weekend. And after I bashed my knee coming in the door and stumbled into my chair in a nervous flush, I confessed, among others, the sin of jealousy.
                Father Jay nodded his head, crossed his arms, leaned back, and sighed before delivering this line, “Comparing is one of the most dangerous things you can do. On one hand it can give you arrogance and the false sense that because of something transitory, you are better than someone else. On the other, it can make you feel less if you don’t have what others do.”
                One of the truest things I’ve ever heard. Hierarchy Syndrome is treacherous and has power enough to ruin your life. It ends up obsessing you with ways to move up or how you’ve moved down that you don’t focus on true growth or general acceptance.
                And of course that’s going to be hard, especially if you compare mercilessly like I do. But looking back from the other side, you start to see that life’s not so black and white.
                Just my personal perspective on the subject.
                Like I said very briefly on Tuesday, I will be on vacation all of next week. This means no Tuesday/Thursday posts. (I know you’re really disappointed.)
                But of course I will be bringing a notebook along with me to capture the inspiration when it strikes. If it’s anything good enough, I’ll share some of that with you on Sunday.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Let's Get Acquainted.

Today, I’m going to be incredibly narcissistic.
                Now I know that deep down in the very souls of the internet drifters who randomly stumble upon this page, there’s a desire to know more about me as a person.
                So because I like to entertain the idea that this collection unimpressed, haphazard readers actually care, I’ve pulled together a few questions to answer from tag videos on Youtube.
Enjoy.


1.       What is your name? Is there anything you’d like to share about it?
My name is Jade. And while I could actually go on for pages about all my personal feelings about and experiences with my name, I’ll give you the condensed version.
-I was not named after anyone or anything, my father simply liked the way it sounded.
-Like most people, I didn’t like my name growing up and I wanted to change it to Jasmine or Ariel or any title employed by a Disney princess. But over the years I have really come to love it and realize that it’s scary how much it actually fits me.
-However, I would not recommend naming any of your future children this. Especially if they are soft spoken, because anyone in the history of forever who asks for said name will immediately respond with the questions, “What? Jane?”
2. What's the first thing you notice about people?
I guess that depends on the person. If I someday meet a person with a neon blue mowhawk, I’d say it’s a pretty safe guess that the mohawk will be the first thing I notice. But in general, I would say that I first notice a person’s confidence level.
3. What is your eye color?
Every color except brown… and purple.
4. Computer or TV?
This is a bit of an interesting question for me because as it turns out, I am somewhat addicted to the computer and not the TV. However I genuinely enjoy watching television more than I enjoy being on the internet.
Addictions are not your friends.
5. What's the furthest you've ever been from home?
Los Angeles, California
6. What do you think you can do but can't?
Play tennis. I think I’m really awesome at it because I am a pro at Wii tennis, but when it comes to actually using actual skill and strength instead of flicking your wrist to the left or right, I’m out.
7. What is a favorite TV show from your childhood?
Full House.
8. If you could live in any era/time period, when would it be and why?
Anywhere in the 1880s - 1900s.
9. Do you have reoccurring dreams? If so, explain?
I don’t generally have reoccurring dreams, but I can remember a few dreams from my childhood that all had to do with alligators.
10. What's your horoscope?
Aquarius.
11. Do you have neat handwriting? Show us!
It really depends on the day. Sometimes it will be neat and sometimes it will be sloppy. I actually studied handwriting analysis in depth last year for a paper I was writing.
This is my handwriting today:
12. Where were you 3 hours ago?
Packing. I will be vacationing all of next week.
J

13. What are you wearing right now?
A tee shirt and cotton shorts.
14.Do you wash your car or let the car wash do it?
Actually, I hardly ever wash my car. The car I have currently, I’ve owned for almost one year and I have taken it through the car wash once. Hey, I’ve got money to save!
It’s not even really that dirty, just a little dust and dirt in the crevices. I mean it’s not like I go off-roading on muddy mountain paths like on Chrysler commercials. But really, does anyone?
15. Where were you last week at this time?
Probably in the same place I am now. My room, trying to get every procrastinated activity finished in under a half hour so I don’t resemble the walking dead in the morning. Not likely to happen.
16. When is the last time you ran? Last week.
17. Worst injury you've ever had? I seriously broke my leg when I was only a year old and just learning to walk.
18. Ever go to camp? Farm camp. It was just like it sounds: a camp on a farm.
19. What is your heritage? Belgian/Italian/Euromutt
20. What were you doing at 12AM last night? Reading the newspaper
I’ll see you on Thursday.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Cause when you're thirteeen and your older self tells you they loove you, you've gotta believe iiiit.

Yesterday, I was poking around my room a bit. Just a little excavation to see what was buried underneath all my everyday items. Things like macaroni crafts from elementary school, old letters, newspaper clippings, Polaroid pictures. Through this half-hearted perusal I came across a few of my old notebooks, the ones I kept around the age of thirteen or fourteen.
Behind the cover that displayed some white-haired puppy dog and a smattering of pictures cut and pasted from Teen Vogue, I found a few random parts from an unfinished novel. The novel I thought was The One.
While the plot was both random and cliché, the adhesive weak, and the characterization thin, I thoroughly enjoyed reading through those pages covered in my cringe-worthy preteen handwriting and self-righteous edits.
While I stumbled through a particularly watery description, I realized something.
If I had been doing this a year or two ago, reading through old stuff, I would have found it extremely dissatisfying, terrible, awful, all the while groaning while things like ‘were you really ever this dumb???’ inside my brain.
But over the course of this year, I’ve started to realize that I’m not perfect, I never was perfect, and I will never be perfect.
I believe the actual quote from my writer’s notebook is: *wow, I just spent about 15 minutes looking for it…. I really need to do some cleaning…
But it says something to this effect “I really need to stop trying to compare myself to every writer and just let myself progress naturally, life or death passion just kills you in the end”… only more eloquent.
Now that I have accepted these imperfections, I can look back on these well-worn and well-loved stories with acceptance and possibly some pleasure. I’m not ashamed of that thirteen year old Jade, I am grateful for everything she did to get me here.

***Note: I will be out of town this weekend with no access to the internet, so no Sunday post.
Maybe I'll work in a little something special next week.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Freedom?

May I be so bold as to say that there is no such thing as freedom? Or rather true and absolute freedom as a state of being.
It always seems that once a person is liberated from one form of containment, it’s just to fall directly into another. A man who leaves his family is free from the obligation and the stress but the soon after he’s answering to his loneliness and guilt. A child who grows into an adult and is freed from their parent’s home is suddenly a slave to finances, job security, education, what have you.
I guess that this is seems like a depressing statement, but it doesn’t have to be. It’s just that the abstract concept of freedom is hard for me to wrap my head around. There’s no perfect solution to a problem, it’s just that one has to be wise enough to choose the more desirable of two loyalties.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Part 2

You know I heard someone say once that writing a story is a little like making pottery. The rough draft is the clay you construct it from and only in the editing and rewriting process does the thing truly take shape.

Part Two (March Short Story)
Rated 16+


It wasn’t much, just a bit of field covered in grash. Abandoned buildings created the perimeter on both the right and the left, terrible barely differentiating structures that were to be either demolished or rehabilitated around the time this Site was to be built up.
                The four were silent as they drove out into it a ways. Trask hastily parked the Tram near one of the windowless erections of cold cinderblock.
                “Yeeeah!” he said, his voice not as booming as it usually was, but pretty close.
                “Reid, get the jackets from the back,” Maura commanded, her tilted eyes retaining a cold superiority.
                Slowly Reid released the seatbelt from its catch and stumbled out into a clump of grash. They all followed reluctantly from the Tram’s doors as he punched in the code that opened the hatch on the vehicle’s right side.
                The air was both cold and gritty, it scraped against their cheeks as it slid by.
                “Hurry up bitch,” said Trask, rubbing his hands together in a desperate attempt for friction, “It’s cold.”
                Without even a glance at him, Reid tossed the first heater jacket in his direction. Trask’s hands fumbled blindly trying to cover himself with it.
                He tossed the remaining jackets to Pammy and Maura who scrambled with them as fast as Trask had. Not Reid. He waited a while before donning the heater jacket despite the fact that his skin was reacting violently to the edge of hypothermia in the wind. He fingered the zipper as he looked into the distance beyond the two adjacent buildings. His eyes roved over the dense overcast sky and distant skyline beyond the crisscrosses of roads and gas checkpoints.
                By the time he had finally slipped both of his arms into his jacket, the other three had completely warmed, Reid was enveloped in painful goosebumps.
                It was Maura who was digging through the bag at her side for the Victory. Pammy and Trask were already seated on the floor of the Tram, their legs hanging out the doors and resting on the frozen ground.
                Reid looked back into the hatch and noticed the long metal cylinder that contained the Waste from their house’s main energy source, Quardent. The man-made resource that would power a home, but leave behind a toxic epilogue.
                His muscles straining from the weight of the thing, Reid quickly hoisted it out of the hatch and into the open air. The heat had returned to his body, making the cylinder easier to grip.

                “Where did you get that?!” Trask interjected, standing up with a square cut of Victory between his thumb and pointer finger.
                “Mom gave it to me,” Reid said, still not looking in Trask’s direction but instead twisting the top of the metal tube with a steady hand.
                “To dump?”
                “To dump.” The cap came off with a loud, popping sound.
                “So she knew? She knew we were taking the Tram out here, and she just let us do it?! She sent you with an errand?!”
                Reid sighed and tossed the cap back into the hatch, “Yes.”
                “That bitch.”
                Reid tipped the cylinder upside down and let gravity take it from there. The black, goopy liquid slowly began to emerge and careen into a caked down bunch of grash, turning the brownish green into the color of midnight.
                “Damn, that shit smells disgusting,” complained Maura as she proceeded to light up her cut of Victory with her handheld lighter before moving to Pammy’s.
                Reid shook the thing to get the last drops of Quardent into the grash before he closed it up and tossed it back into the hatch.
                Maura tossed the lighter to Trask and inhaled on the kazoo-like slab. Her eyes became even darker and more animalistic as the drug started to roam her insides.
                “Victory?” Trask offered Reid the last of the slabs in a gruff, noncommittal voice.
                Reid nodded and took it after Trask had singed the end.
                It was only minutes before Pammy’s high-pitched voice distracted them from their burning Victory.
                “What’s that?” she asked, pointing to a strange figure in the distance.
                Trask whipped his head around and squinted in the direction of Pammy’s finger.
                “It’s a… guy. Some guy,” he said.
                “Is he, is he coming toward us?” asked Pammy, her finger’s clutching the Victory quivered ever so slightly.
                “Shit, what if it’s an officer!” whispered Trask.
                “It’s not,” said Maura with definite certainty. No one asked how she knew, they simply accepted her authority.
                He was a little ways off but rapidly approaching, after about thrity seconds of watching, Maura turned away and took a lungful of Victory.
                When he was one hundred yards away, they could see him more clearly, his heater jacket was a hue like deep maroon, the only color worth looking at they’d seen in a long while. Their eyes feasted on that jacket’s color, even stone cold Maura couldn’t keep her eyes off it as the stranger advanced.
                He came upon them quickly while their minds were occupied with the maroon and stopped just a few feet away from where they were seated on the Tram’s floor.
                Trask’s eyes became slits, “Who the hell are you?” he asked.
                They stranger smiled a cold, sadistic smile. He had a beard and a full head of course, unwashed hair. His eyes were hard, even when he smiled.
                “I am Jarles Hendricks,” he said, pulling a small, leather bag from where it was slung across his back.
                “Sorry, you can’t bum a Vic,” said Maura coldly, “We’re out.”
                Jarles’s face became hard as he pulled a stack of papers from his bag.
                “I don’t want none of that trash,” he said sternly.
                Like some sort of teacher, he began passing the folded up pieces of paper to each of the four.
                Trask wrinkled up his face as Jarles tossed a pamphlet into his lap. Smudged ink spelled out the words ‘Our World Is Dying’ across the top of the page.
                “Oh no,” Trask chuckled as he spoke, “Don’t tell me you’re a Missionary.”
                “This constant development is going to kill us all!” was Jarles’s answer.
                Trask rolled his eyes and wadded the pamphlet as Jarles continued to speak, “After the Green Movement died out one hundred years ago, it seems that the human race has set up their collective minds to treat the earth worse and worse! Like they want to self-destruct! The air itself is a deadly cocktail of pollutants changing us all into disgusting, broken human beings! The Earth is what keeps us alive and if we kill it, we kill ourselves!”
                As he spoke, all four of the kids had wadded up their pamphlets and threw them onto the ground.
                Jarles shrieked as they fell onto the ground, doubling over to pick them up, continuing with his spiel all the while, “Litter! This litter is choking the very core of this planet!” He scrambled around, waddling like a duck bent in half trying to scurry after papers caught by the wind.
                “All the grass is gone! Replaced by grash, the disgusting death of that beautiful, green grass of yore!”
                Trask was almost beside himself with laughter as Jarles scurried and desperately attempted to evangelize at the same time.
                “Look at this fucking homo,” he said, even though they were all already looking at him.
                “You’re not listening!” screamed Jarles in a frightening evangelist voice, his arms full of crumpled papers.
                Maura took another drag of Victory. He honed in on her.
                “Why are you smoking that?! Why? You are ruining yourself, you’re ruining your body!” he yelled.
                Maura didn’t react for a second, just slowly letting the hate and the superciliousness wash over her quietly, “At least I’ll be thin,” she said.
                Jarles became quiet, Trask started laughing again, Pammy along with him. Maura took a drag. Reid took a drag. The wind started to whistle. Pammy took a drag.
                Slowly, Jarles reached into his bag and pulled out a small circular object.
                In a fraction of a second he flipped it’s switch and hurled it at the Tram’s hood. It exploded within seconds. The four only had another fraction of a second to hurl themselves from the Tram and out into the scattered clumps of grash.
                “Holy shit!” screamed Trask.
                “The world would be better without fuck-ups like you!” snarled Jarles, his face contorting and reddening. He reached into his pack for another explosive.
                They took off running back to the gate, reaching desperately for the haven behind the crisscrossing iron. The ground exploded behind their heels as their lungs burned from the sudden exercise.
                Trask made it first, he clawed like an animal at his heater jacket, the gloved sleeves made it impossible for him to display his Stamp without removing the entire thing.
                The milliseconds were like hours as he tossed the jacket aside and shoved his arm up against the sensor.
                It denied his Stamp. The screen turning red after his attempt. “No!” he screamed, jamming his arm against the thing over and over. Pammy and Reid were beside him now and anticipating at every moment something so intrinsically awful that his mind exploded in paranoia as his skin broke and started bleeding from the force of his attempts at escape.
                The second he released a guttural and animalistic scream into the air was the second that the tiny, circular explosive landed at his feet and the entire world became fire.
&&&
                Maura stood with her arms wrapped around her torso as she watched her siblings go up in flames. She had run in the other direction. A column of cinderblocks obscured half of her face.
She watched the Missionary carefully smooth out the pamphlets and place them back into his bag. As she watched him walk back the way he came she wished for the candy-like taste of a Victory between her lips.  

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Rough Draft So Rough It Will Scratch Your Corneas

Here is the promised PART ONE of my rough draft for my March short story. I do realize that I seem to have gotten a little off topic. My plan was to write about something that made me emotionally ill, which was the original intent of this story. However, somehow it turned into some sort of scifi-ish, dystopian thing.

A few things you probably don't care about, but I'm going to tell you anyway

-This is Part One, I will have Part Two on Sunday.
-I don't usually write sci-fi or dystopian, so... bear with me.
-This is not edited. At all.
- The rating I'm giving this piece is 16+ just because of language. (My stories generally have very little, if any, foul language, but for this particular one I felt that it was needed to add verisimilitude to the piece overall.)



It was dangerous taking the Tram out to a Site. This particular one wasn’t scheduled for development until three years from now, but it was still a risk. Trask, however, didn’t care.
                “We about to burn this shit up!” he shouted to the carload, yanking on the wheel a little too hard, sending bodies bumping into one another.
                “Shut up Trask,” said Reid feebly, his breath fogging up the windows.
                “Off road beeyotches!” he yelled, his voice grating against every surface in the Tram’s cabin.
                “I swear, I am going to kill you,” Maura clutched the armrest and glared daggers at Trask as the car began jerking violently along a rougher terrain.
                Trask didn’t seem to hear as the sheer joy of hijacking the family Tram enveloped him.
                Like a ship in a hurricane that Tram raced over the imperfections of the unpaved ground, grating organs together, sending every loose item into a frenzy, vibrating every available surface. The enormous cross-iron gate came upon them fast. With no skill and no finesse, he stopped the Tram within seconds of the impediment, leaving deep skid marks in the damp mud.
                “Trask, you fucking idiot!” Maura was beside herself as she seethed. She’d crammed herself up into a corner like a cat scrambling for a place to keep its coat dry.
                “Hey, you know this ground is rough Maura! Damn, what are you expecting? A fuckin ride through pansy-land?” he retorted, reaching for the button that switched the gear to park.
                “You don’t have to go a thousand fucking miles per-“
                “Hey! Someone’s got to open the damn gate! Quit nuking each other’s skulls off,” said Reid from the back.
                Trask angled his square head and flitted his eyes across the two bodies in the back.
                “It’s Pammy’s turn.”
                “But I don’t wanna…” Pammy’s dark eyes squinted, her voice climbed in octave.
                “Pammy, it’s YOUR. TURN. Get out there. And run fast. It’s fucking cold.” Maura said from the front seat before turning back around.
                “Reid, can’t you do it?” asked Pammy.
                Reid sighed and clawed a mass of dark hair behind his ear. “No, get your ass out there,” he said almost listlessly.
                Pammy hardened her face and zipped up her jacket, jamming her thumb into the ‘open’ button for the tram’s door.
                A second after she slammed it shut again, they saw her take off full speed for the control panel on the far right side of the gate, her knobby, bony knees kept knocking each other as her stride gained ferocity.
                Through the grimy windshield, they watched her yank up the sleeve of her jacket to display the intricate pattern of her Stamp. With the wind tossing her hair in cyclonic motions and her bone white skin exposed and reddening, she waited for the sensors to pick up the design.
                She finally watched the screen before her ignite with a white screen beneath a layer of filth. She let out a breath and punched in the security code. A code Maura had gotten from one of her connections in town.
                The incredible noise of iron groaning filled her ears as she sprinted back to the large, boxy bus that was the Tram.
                She slid in and closed the door quickly. No one said a word as Trask pulled into the widening space between the gates.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Nothing Is Everything and Everything Is Nothing.

Once I heard a man say, “Nothing is everything and everything is nothing.” The mutterings of a madman is undoubtedly the immediate consensus. But if one looks deeper, underneath the flaps of prejudice, there is a certain wisdom and understanding of the universe manifested within these simple words. The notion that our lives are so tiny and miniscule that, in perspective, any petty issues we have mean absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. We are a wild creature, led off course again and again by the mammoth planes of our emotion that we sometimes seem to get swallowed whole by our circumstances. But in retrospect, those who look upon past, deemed, dreadful situations with a new standpoint often find that all they were lacking was a dose of perspective and a pinch of wisdom to improve things.
Yet there are those that view the world in quite a different light than what is considered norm. There are some that find so much life, vigor, and inspiration in things so often overlooked; a sigh from a sleeping baby, a small utterance of love, the play of light over a translucent surface. They watch life happen in the most unexpected places, unfolding from their imaginations.  A faction of idealists, optimists. Those that do not want to be swallowed whole, those that wish to be a part of the breath of life, captured in the thrill of the nothing.
This has become one of my favorite paradoxes.

(Short story rough draft Thursday... Sunday at the absolute latest)

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Hosing Down the Drought That Is March

  My New Year’s Resolution for 2011 was to write one short story a month.
Simple right?
So far I have just barely kept that up, writing a rather lengthy piece dealing with high school “relationships” in January and in February I wrote one about the effects of arrogance and following the crowd… in high school.
Those are fine and good and all, but I’m looking to develop a more professional sort of portfolio here
I’ve always felt that the best pieces I produce are on topics that have a lot of raw emotion at their core. Which is why it’s rare to find a happy piece in my collection.  
But what I wanted to do for the month of March was create a story about something that makes me sick.
Sick like, perturbed, ruffled, shocked, horrified.
When I had this idea, my initial instinct went a little like this:
“NO!”
Because when I write I have to connect myself to the subject matter fully and intensely. And I’m usually averse to making myself ill.
But you know that raw emotion I was talking about earlier? Subject matter like that makes you feel something volatile. And that’s what fiction is about, making the reader feel something.
An example of this can be seen in Ray Bradbury’s short story, ‘The Veldt.’
Which you can read here à http://www.veddma.com/veddma/Veldt.htm (seriously, you won’t be sorry)
Now, I can’t speak for every reader, but the sickening subject matter ( a mash up of two situations that make me ill, children disrespecting their parents and dependence on technology) of the story really affected me.
So without further ado, here is my list of things that make me sick:
1. Blatant disrespect for parents/authority figures
2. Dependence on technology
3. Self-induced depression
4. Materialism
5. Bold-faced apathy
6.Hate crimes
7. Bodily maltreatment
These are making me feel nauseous just skimming their surfaces… I guess that’s a good thing.
Wish me luck?

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Getting Started.

As this is my very first blog post, let me introduce myself. My name’s Jade, I’m of Belgian/Italian/Euromutt descent, I love salsa, I’ve seen every Gilmore Girls episode known to man, and I’m a writer.
The reason I decided to create this blog was because of a startling realization. I realized that I was beginning to lack the true ambition that drives good writing. Ever since kindergarten, I’ve known I wanted to be an author and this is the time in my life when I really need to focus on honing my skill. So here's where the blog comes in. I know that I can do something and do it well if I have to. Taking on a project such as this will give me the structure and the concrete boundaries I need to refocus on ‘crunch time.’ When I see a problem and I do whatever it takes to fix it.
Because I’m analytically determined like that.
Now I know that I probably won’t acquire many, if any, readers. But that is absolutely fine with me. I’m doing this for me, to help me (to quote Norbet Platt) regain my equilibrium within the soul-searching method of putting pen to paper. However, that doesn’t mean that readers won’t be greatly appreciated. (:
How this is going to work: I’m going to be posting something new every Tuesday, Thursday, and Sunday. (These dates can be subject to change, but I will be posting at least three times a week regardless)
Topics will include progress on any stories/poems/bios I happen to be working on, journal entries about writing/writers/etc, or general writer’s notebook-esque sort of passages. (Which can be beautiful or introspective or funny or just plain bad food for thought pieces that don’t fit anywhere else.)
On a final note, I’d like to quote the great Gail Carson Levine by saying, “The only way to write better is to write more.”
Thanks Gail, I'm trying.